Of Language and Hearts.

Of Language and Hearts.

By Joy Wanjiku Barasa

Communication experts will tell you that about 65 – 70 percent of our communication is non verbal and that in instances where there seems to be a clash between the verbal and non verbal, we should always take the non verbal to be the unsaid truth. So for instance, if someone insists that they are fine but their body language – facial expression, posture, eyes etc say otherwise, then we should believe the non verbal. In fact, the non verbal is often used in catching out the many lies said in the verbal. Experts will tell you that if someone is lying you can tell by their eyes. Well, it is not as easy as the movies make it seem but this is based on some significant scientific research about our eye movements.

According to an experiment done by Richard Bandler and John Grinder in their book “Frogs into Princes: Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) ” about Visual Accessing Cues, when asked a question, a normal person who is right handed looks in different directions, depending on the images they are being asked to construct (that is from your view point). So if someone looks up and to the left, it indicates a visually constructed image e.g. to imagine a white lion. Up and to the right indicates visually remembered images such as what was the colour of your first car.

To the left implies auditory constructed e.g. try and create the loudest scream you can in your head and to the right implies auditory remembered for instance what was your father’s voice like? Down and to the left is for kinesics, that is the feel of something, taste or smell while down and to the right is for intrapersonal communication when you are having an internal dialogue.

This is best illustrated in the following example: Let’s say a child asks you for a cookie, and you ask them “well, what did your mother say?” As they reply “Mom said… yes.” they look to the left. This would indicate a made up answer as their eyes are showing a “constructed image or sound. Looking to the right would indicate a “remembered” voice or image, and thus would be telling the truth (http://www.blifaloo.com/info/lies_eyes.php).

Enough of the academic discourse; the point is that ideally we should be able to get along very well with non verbal communication but in reality we rely heavily on the verbal. And boy, isn’t language a complicated thing and especially when we bring in its nuances, tonal inflection, context, environment not to mention the non verbal. Add love to the mix and you have successfully created the tower of Babel as far as creating understanding is concerned.

So what is the language of love? That thing that is said to make the world go round; that thing that drives people to heights of insanity or motivates them to ingenuity hitherto unexpressed by them in wooing their loved one; that thing that will turn plain old Kamau into a genius, Omondi into a philosopher and the professor next door into the laughing stock of society when it goes sour. What is the love language? Is it when I say ‘I love you’ ‘You complete me’ ‘You are the only one for me, my soul mate?’ And herein the problems start of love and language.

Language is a communication tool that is meant to aid the creation of understanding between two or more persons; it is a tool and by the very nature of being a tool, functional but impersonal. A spade will be a spade and work just as well in any hand that knows its intended functionality. And when it comes to communicating love, language doesn’t share the sentimentality of the lover, it is but a tool. And I guess that is why it becomes very difficult to communicate love, that undying feeling to any other lover apart from your first and in the case of a cheating spouse.

When you said ‘I love you’ to your first boy/girlfriend, you had never said it to anyone else, at least not romantically and you could back up the language you were using, the tool, with the endorsement of, ‘I have never said that to anyone else before’. You could confidently tell her she has a hot body, you love his husky voice etc. But as relationships are more often than not prone to end, and most of us do not end with our first love, then we must use the same tool, the same language to communicate our deepest feelings. We will need, indeed we must, say I love you to the new lover, but do these words communicate the difference we feel? But more importantly, how do we convince the new lover we love them just as much, preferably though, more than the last? How do we do this when we must resort to the same tool, the same language?

And if it is that difficult for a new lover? What about an affair? If your partner has an affair, they use those precise words on the chips funga (take away chips) as I have heard they are called today – he will tell her he loves her body, her smile, she is beautiful, she makes him smile – she will tell him he makes her feel loved, he knows how to handle her heart, he is one in a million – and as affairs usually do, it comes to light and if reconciliation happens then the couple is left with the question – how do I ever trust his ‘I love you, you are the one for me, you are beautiful?’ How do I trust her words? And you are caught in a quagmire, a catch 22 situation because saying raises distrust, wounds of how could he have told her that and not saying festers the insecurity, the pain. The harsh reality dawns that there are no sacred words between the two of you.

But we are stuck with this tool of language and I think the lesson herein is that we need to really think hard before we make use of this tool, for it is an impersonal tool and it will dance to the tune of any piper, without regard. So maybe flirting, joking may be harmless but we will need to use the same words on someone we really love and when we mean it. Maybe there is a reason after all why 70 percent of our communication is non verbal, because we should only speak when it is absolutely necessary and when we completely mean every word we say.

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